Friday, July 21, 2017

Confessions!!

Don't think of me as a nice and simple person because that I'm not. I'll use that image to manipulate you. And turn you against yourself.

Don't trust me too much because I won't return it. I'll break that trust. And then trample all over it.

Don't think of me as a friend because I don't even know what that means. I'll use you for my own needs. And then discard you.

Don't mistake my concern to be genuine because I truly don't give a shit. Though I'll show concern (Ohh yes, I will!!). And it will be fake. 

Don't think you can count on my support because there's none coming. Though I'll build you up first. And then pull you down.

And all through I'll laugh nonchalantly as you burn in your pain and anguish.

As I burn myself too. Slowly. Excruciatingly.

Can't wait to turn 40 :)

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Existential Crisis

It is not every day that you find out that for 33 years of your life - which, in my case, is my entire life - you have been someone entirely else. That actually what you thought you were, you weren’t at all. The feeling kind of sucks, but then such is life!!

Quite recently I’ve been tagged as a sociopath and a narcissist, or in short, a Narcopath. And the someone who has tagged me so, having seen me very closely, is someone whose judgment I'd trust.

Now I’ve heard of these terms, known a fair bit about them too, but I never ever gave them a second thought. No one has ever called me by these terms either. But now having read up on these terms in more detail, it is scary to know that certain traits do identify with the way I behave. Not all traits (Thank God for little mercies!!) but at least a few do.

The scary thing is that if this is true, then I'm basically just an empty human being. A shell. That actually there's no emotion in me. What I thought was genuine emotion or feelings for a certain situation or for a person has never actually been that. That one instance when I thought I was in real love was actually just not true. Whatever I held on to for such a long time wasn't love. 

It is scary to know that basically I’ve never had any feelings or emotions. What I thought were feelings or emotions wee nothing but me feeding off on someone. All this time, I've been feeding the Narcopath within me. And I've been abusing people in a way. 

The good part is that I've been made aware that I've probably got some serious mental health issues (I know whom to thank for this!!). Accepting this fact is another good start too. Of course a professional medical diagnosis will be required to confirm all this before I seek help for this issue.

But till then, it is really a weird kind of existential crisis to have. Leaves me with a daily question that I ask myself over and over again.

Who am I? Like, really?

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A Pair of Earrings

A simple pair of earrings they were, adorning your ears. I still remember the day I took their photo.


We had gone earring shopping for you and as you tried earring after earring, I had the important job of safekeeping this pair. That's when I took the photo, for the memories.

And I do have another memory of the day. As you tried each earring in the mirror, I would either approve or disapprove.

Correction. Only approve. You made them all look so pretty :)

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Head and Shoulder

Your head nestled against my shoulder and a feeling of finally having someone to look forward to. 

Abiding memories of a long gone NY's eve :)

Happy New Year Diamond :)

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

In Person...

Happy Birthday Diamond :)

Just realized that for all the years I've known you, I've never been able to wish you, in person, on your birthday. Except once.

Rest of the years it has been through a via media, email being the most preferred option (though Whatsapp made its maiden appearance this year :D)

Anyways, rock on Diamond, as always :)

(PS: Did you know that the one time I wished you in person was also the day I realized I was madly in love with you?)

Monday, August 31, 2015

Last Call

From '55 minutes 34 seconds' of absolute random nonsense to a '10 second' goodbye. It remains the last time I ever heard your voice.

(PS: I still have a gift wrapped Lonely Planet guide that I have no clue what to do with.)

Saturday, November 15, 2014

An Evening to Remember...

It started with a horrible cup of cold coffee (best forty bucks ever spent, I think, considering what happened next :D). Followed it up with an amazing glass of chocolate milkshake (your very first). Then a ticketless train ride (not a first for me) and a serene evening walk (a first for both of us). It ended with me missing the first half of a live Manchester United game (an absolute first for me).

An evening to remember...even after all these years :)