It is not every day that you find out that for 33 years of your life - which, in my case, is my entire life - you have been someone entirely else. That actually what you thought you were, you weren’t at all. The feeling kind of sucks, but then such is life!!
Quite recently I’ve been tagged as a sociopath and a narcissist, or in short, a Narcopath. And the someone who has tagged me so, having seen me very closely, is someone whose judgment I'd trust.
Now I’ve heard of these terms, known a fair bit about them too, but I never ever gave them a second thought. No one has ever called me by these terms either. But now having read up on these terms in more detail, it is scary to know that certain traits do identify with the way I behave. Not all traits (Thank God for little mercies!!) but at least a few do.
The scary thing is that if this is true, then I'm basically just an empty human being. A shell. That actually there's no emotion in me. What I thought was genuine emotion or feelings for a certain situation or for a person has never actually been that. That one instance when I thought I was in real love was actually just not true. Whatever I held on to for such a long time wasn't love.
It is scary to know that basically I’ve never had any feelings or emotions. What I thought were feelings or emotions wee nothing but me feeding off on someone. All this time, I've been feeding the Narcopath within me. And I've been abusing people in a way.
The good part is that I've been made aware that I've probably got some serious mental health issues (I know whom to thank for this!!). Accepting this fact is another good start too. Of course a professional medical diagnosis will be required to confirm all this before I seek help for this issue.
But till then, it is really a weird kind of existential crisis to have. Leaves me with a daily question that I ask myself over and over again.
Who am I? Like, really?